Sitting Comfortably With the Discomfort
Interview by Hayley Oakes LM, CPM
Noelle had an efficient, 6-hour labor and birth for her first baby. She partly attributed this to genetics (the women in her family birth quickly) but mostly due to the fact that she spent time during her pregnancy exploring the many fears she had going into the great unknown of childbirth. She practiced an exercise that allowed her to release those fears and be at peace in the last weeks of pregnancy; and while in labor set her mind aside and trust her body. Looking back, this preparation for birth has proven to be a greater life lesson and has only helped her grow into her new role as a mother. “The notion of surrender is not limited to the journey through labor and birth. The necessity to let go and sit with fears and anxieties and to accept being out of control is a constant practice as a new mom…”
What made you switch care providers from an OB to the midwives at the birth center early on in your pregnancy?
I always knew I wanted to receive care from Del Mar Birth Center, even before I was pregnant. My sister had her second baby there and the holistic, nurturing care she received is the experience I knew I needed and wanted.
I took a tour right after I found out I was pregnant and made the first available appointment. That appointment was a few weeks away, so in the meantime I received care from an OB for the initial blood tests and genetic screening.
The quality of care for those first few weeks was so impersonal and frustrating. I would wait 30 minutes to an hour for a 5-minute appointment with the doctor, who would repeat the same information from the visit before. The health of my baby – mainly his heartbeat – was the only metric of health that was ever assessed. My health as an individual and expectant momma, including emotional, psychological etc. was never considered. Needless to say, I was counting down the days for my first appointment at the birth center!
You were present at your sister’s home birth prior to being pregnant. How was that experience for you?
I was so honored to be part of that intimate, special experience. I wasn’t anywhere close to thinking about being having a baby at that time and had only experienced hospital births.
My sister’s first birth (at home) was pretty typical – long and a ton of hard work. But she showed me that natural brith could be done. Even though I was young and didn’t have any formal knowledge about birth and labor, I’ll never forget rubbing her back and being by her side as the different stages of labor unfolded. It made me feel like labor and birth are supposed to happen this way – in a quiet and intimate space, surrounded by people (especially women!) who you love and trust the most.
What made you choose a birth center over a home birth?
On a more superficial level, I loved the amenities of the birth center. I liked the idea of not having to get my home ready for the birth while still being able to welcome my son in a beautiful, serene environment that I felt safe and comfortable in.
The biggest factor in the decision though was my exposure to Margo’s care as a midwife during my sister’s first birth. I knew I wanted to be in a place where I’d receive care from her.
What did you expect labor and birth to be like?
Outside of the notion that there would be the “not labor yet” [Two Doulas Birth childbirth preparation terminology for the early labor phase] and active labor phases, I had extremely foggy, intangible expectations of what labor and birth would be like. I had a general sense of the anatomical stages of labor and birth, but had never felt any of those things in my own body before so I couldn’t really expect what it was going to look and feel like for me.
I expected it to be challenging and painful, but again just in a categorical sense. I had no context for how or where in my body I would be challenged. Interestingly enough, my only clear expectation – the ‘not labor yet’ and active labor phases – is the thing I did not experience.
Did you feel adequately prepared?
I truly did! But not in my former understanding of the word. Preparation for everything else in my life has looked so different and revolved around me planning for and having control over every eventuality. While I feel like I had a good deal of information, the most vital part of my preparation was letting go.
By the time I went into labor, I can honestly say I was at peace with whatever was to come. Though this peace was not devoid of fear or discomfort, it allowed me to be fully present in my body and for my baby as we embarked on the journey to meet each other.
Did you have any fears going into the birth? If so, how did you sit with them or come to accept them?
Yes! Many fears. My biggest fear was that the baby would have to be transferred to the hospital and that we would be separated. My sister’s first child had aspirated some of his meconium and spent the first 5 days of his life in the NICU, so I was especially wary of meconium. My second biggest fear was that I would need medical intervention to deliver him.
What helped me most was the ‘Taming Your Tigers’ exercise from the book, Birthing From Within. I spent a lot of time thinking through and talking about those fears, especially with my husband and sister. I was able to realize that what I was afraid of could very well become part of Levi’s birth story, but that by being hyper-focused and paralyzed by fear wasn’t going to prevent them from happening, and that my energy was better spent taking care of my body and growing baby.
By staring those fears in the face, I was also able to imagine how even if those circumstances transpired, my husband and I could still advocate for the health of both me and our son. I made the decision that I would be empowered by whatever way Levi needed to enter the world, and recommitted to that decision every day until he arrived.
How did your husband feel going into the birth?
In the weeks leading up to my due date, Will felt clear and confident on what his role would be, but had concerns about the level of pain I would be in. He feared that if the pain was too great, I might become stressed and unable to deliver naturally at the birth center – something he knew was extremely important to me. It was perhaps these fears that made him question how quickly my labor was progressing at home.
He was so attached to the notion of the “not labor yet” phase that he held off on calling the birth center for nearly 4 of my 6 hours of laboring. The fear that I would be told I wasn’t progressed far enough to stay at the birth center loomed as we drove the short mile and a half from our home, but was quickly replaced with excitement and a rush of adrenaline when our midwife told him we needed to stay and that we would be having our baby that day. Even then, I don’t think he thought he’d be meeting his boy quite as soon as he did!
Tell me about your experience giving birth.
For me giving birth was an emergence. During labor I felt like I was fighting my way through an alternate reality – a dark, foggy, echoing, abysmal reality. As I gave birth to Levi, I mightily burst through into a world of light, clarity, and calm. I left my pregnant body in that other world along with whom I used to be – shedding the fears, preoccupations, and identities of a former life.
Giving birth felt like the ultimate release and allowed me to meet my baby with unparalleled peace, certainty, and stillness.
A 6-hour labor, as you mentioned above is fast! Did it ever feel like it was too fast or overwhelming?
In retrospect I do think that it was extremely overwhelming, but in the moment I didn’t have much time to reflect on what was happening. Since both Will and I were banking on a gradual ramp up, I don’t think either of us really understood how quickly I was progressing.
I basically woke up in active labor with contractions that were 2 minutes long and right on top of each other. Not having any breaks in between contractions was all-consuming and challenging to manage. I didn’t have any time to think about what stage of labor I was in or to advocate for myself. Will was so concerned that what I was experiencing was just the tip of the iceberg that he held off on calling the birth center for nearly FOUR hours for fear that we would get there and be sent home.
It was intense, but there was no point where I thought I couldn’t do it. I did however promise myself I’d never do it again. Ha! Let’s see if I keep that promise.
What helped in coping with contractions (mentally and physically)?
We had practiced so many different positions and pain management techniques, but in the moment I wasn’t able to call on any of those. I think the rapidity of my labor forced me to submit to the pain and let my body take me where it needed to go. I was in constant motion, moving from hands and knees, to the toilet, to the shower, quite erratically.
Mentally, the notion that the pain was finite and the trust in my body’s knowledge of what it was doing helped me cope. Once we got to the birth center it also became clear that I would be having my baby quite soon, so that also helped me feel like the end was in sight and reaffirmed that I could hang on a little longer.
What do you think contributed to a fast labor? Do you think it’s hereditary (did your sister or mother birth quickly?)
I’m sure genes had something to do with it. My mom had a fast first labor as well. I also experienced Braxton Hicks starting at the end of my first trimester, so I feel like that may have contributed.
Mostly though, by around 36 weeks I feel like I got to a really clear and peaceful place regarding my impending labor and birth. I got comfortable sitting with my fears and letting my body take the lead. In retrospect it’s odd to think that I was mentally ready since I really didn’t know what was to come, but my body was ready and knew what to do. I’d like to think this allowed me to progress quite quickly.
Was there anything you didn’t expect in your labor and birth experience?
I didn’t expect it to go so quickly! I thought that I would have nice breaks in between my contractions, especially early on, but that wasn’t the case. I also didn’t expect to give birth in bed on my back. Eschewing the prototypical hospital birth, I thought I would for sure be in the water, or on all fours, or pretty much in any position besides the one I ended up in. Pushing was also a lot harder than I thought it would be.
How was pushing for you? How can you best describe how to push a baby out?
Pushing was really exhausting for me. I appreciated that the contractions let up during that phase, but pushing was the first point where I questioned if my body was doing what it was supposed to be doing.
It was like I was pushing against a brick wall and making no progress. I had to learn how to push. My sister and midwife’s cues were pivotal. I know everyone says to push through your butt, but I felt like there was a particular spot just above my butt in my perineum that I needed help finding. Once I found it, pushing became much more effective.
I was also exhale-screaming when I would push at first. My sister told me to take a big breath and push it down with each push. Once I started doing that, I made a lot more progress and the pushing started feeling much more gratifying.
Can you talk about the concept of ‘control’ in the labor process? What’s your advice in letting go of this but also feel safe and secure in doing so?
The concept of control is such a tricky one because you have to let go in one sense while letting your body lead the way, all at the same time. So much of my physicality before giving birth surrounded activities where I connected into my body through my mind like in certain yoga or Pilates poses. In labor, all actions are initiated in the body, and your mind has to step aside. I know different things work for different people, but that Taming Your Tigers exercise I mentioned earlier really helped me!
My biggest piece of advice is to practice letting go and following your body’s lead as early on in your pregnancy as possible so that you’re not trying to do it for the first time during the main event. Like any physically and emotionally demanding event, labor and birth is something I felt like I had to train for.
What was your favorite part about the labor/birth?
Although my memory of labor and birth is getting foggier as each day passes, I remember with such clarity the moment I reached down and pulled Levi up on my chest. I felt like I was getting nowhere with the pushing and then all of a sudden there he was and all of the pain and exertion melted away into the most comfortable, genuine stillness I have ever known. My second favorite part was all of the adrenaline I had for the 48 hours following his birth – I felt amazingly powerful those first few days, and blissfully in love.
Anything you want other expectant mothers to know going into this new experience?
The notion of surrender is not limited to the journey through labor and birth. The necessity to let go and sit with fears and anxieties and to accept being out of control is a constant practice as a new mom, and I’d imagine even as an experienced one.
The demands of our culture and modern way of living often pulls us outside of our bodies and instincts, but the wisdom of our bodies far outpaces that of our brains. Pregnancy, labor, and birth can be such a strain on our bodies and minds, but through the struggle and suffering is the greatest strength and peace. I have never been more proud of myself or in awe of all that my body could do once I let it.
